Worst Blogger Ever Checks in at 23w3d

So.. yeah, I suck.

I was asked how I was doing on a msg board and I figured that my response would make an okay post here. Yes, I'm lazy....

Anyway, I had an ultrasound and ob appt yesterday, everything is all good.

i was in a bit of a panic because i really only feel my baby girl well... baby boy is almost completely muted by my anterior placenta except for at two little spots.... however all is well and they are growing fine...

and despite the fact that i could do a whole one-woman show filled with 1000 comedic complaints about how i pee when i sneeze, the never-ending morning sickness, i can eat protein bars in my sleep and my cats found the new Svan bouncer i bought VERY comfortable when i stupidly left it out, my doctor said that i'm very healthy and so are the babies.

i think i'm the easiest patient he's ever had in his uber-high-risk practice.

my mom and mil are throwing us a shower in early august and they were driving me crazy so i told them to not mention it to me again until the day of the shower. my wedding was less complicated, i swear!

as for my blog its like i've been in too good a mood to post... lol. i'm mostly driven to write or blog when i'm angst ridden and i've been surprisingly rational and serene, despite the ongoing morning sickness, for the entire pregnancy.

anyway... i don't really take too many naked baby belly pictures but i do tend to take pix for my family about once a week... here's the latest "self-portrait" that i took last friday at 22w3d.. my ridiculous fashionista-ism in fully display.. lol

I'm a Crappy Blogger. 11w6d

I haven't been blogging cuz I've been too busy dry heaving and sleeping and complaining and sleeping.

This is HARD!

7w2d. Some of You Were Right! Unbelievable.

Yesterday was our ultrasound.

We are overjoyed to be carrying twins. Both with a HB of 144, measuring right on time. Joy!

But.

There's a triplet... a Baby C. He's got no HB and he measures at 5w6d so we can only assume he's not making it.

I only transferred two embryos so what we have here is a real identical twinning! A split for Embryo B!

What a fucked up thing. I'm sad because its a life, and a miracle and obviously my child. I'm not even fully sure how I'm going to feel about this yet over the next few days. The shock is still heavy.

But obviously, this also seems like a blessing. Baby C, sacrificed so that Babies A&B could grow strong and healthy.

They say that Baby C will reabsorb. I can't deny that I'm not scared for Baby B. After all this WAS his twin and I hope that structurally/genetically he's okay.

I really need to make a new video blog, but I have to think carefully about this. Do I want to tell Babies A&B about C?

I dunno. This is crazy.

In other craziness my doc told me to stop taking my Estrace. I've been taking Estrace since I was 13. This is SO weird. Supposedly the placentas are making my estrogen now.

4/15 is the last day that I take PIO! Wow!!!!

5w4d. Stop Scaring Me! :)

Of course we'll be happy with whatever we get... I couldn't do selective reduction. I bring this up because lots of people are warning me that I might be in for trips.. I dunno.. I know my numbers are high, but my betas are also later than most people's.

This could still just be a strong singleton, guys! :)

For example.. Check out these links from the betabase

http://www.betabase.info/showBasicChart.php?type=Single
http://www.betabase.info/showBasicChart.php?type=Twin

I was 24dpo yesterday (5w3d) with the 9939 number.. Sure they are high, but the highest recorded numbers are MUCH higher.

I'm excited for twins, but even that is going to be a difficult pregnancy for me. I have a history of small bowel obstructions caused by adhesions from surgery when I was 12 (to remove my bad ovary)... I have this feeling that when I start to "stretch out" its gonna be VERY painful. I'll probably be eating through a straw by May. Can you imagine Trips?

They would be DARN cute tho!!! :)

19dp5dt... 24dpo... 5w3d.. whatever!

we got the 2nd beta back!!! 9939!!!

yay! we were so worried.

now i get to play the "twins or not" game over on betabase.info... there's always something new to be nuerotic about :)

5w0d????

So I suppose getting a BFP was the one way to make me shut my mouth. Amazing huh? The amazing thing is how incredibly mellow I am after more than 2weeks of sheer insanity and irrational thought.

BETA!!!!!!

is 708. we are in shock.

12dp5dt - the call

the message is NOW ON THE VOICEMAIL! because of the whole iphone visual voicemail thing i can see that its 1 minute and 33 seconds long.

i'm trying to work out if "i'm sorry, but your beta came up negative. we are truly sorry. at this time, please stop all of your medications. if you wish to continue trying to conceive please continue taking your prenatal vitamins. when you are feeling better please call to set up your post-cycle consultation with Dr X. if you would like to speak to our therapist, please call her at 555.555.1212. please take care and we express our deepest condolences" would take up 1 minute and 33 seconds of time.

i'm determined not to listen until DH gets home.

12dp5dt - beta day

well.. they have my blood so its now just a waiting game.

the red blood stopped after about an hour. i'm back to slightly spotting light brown.

what the hell does this mean?

everyone keeps telling me not to give up hope. i'm hearing a lot of stories about pregnancies that included a fair amount of red blood... so we'll see.

i'm really lightheaded.

when i was hysterical (calling DH, doctor, mom) i requested DH bring me home an HPT. i didn't use it. this morning DH hid it from me so i couldn't use it before getting beta results. we're hell bent on getting the result together and not me getting a result all alone and then banging my head into the wall 80 times.

11dp5dt - I'm bleeding

real, red blood. not spotting.

11dp5dt - Still Crazy!

My husband's idea to take this photo and its pretty cool I must say!

So we are back from Colombia. And I'm really dizzy right now... Weird.

Had a really bad dream about having a BFN that included someone doing science experiments on my embies... exactly what I need for my sanity.

10dp5dt - I'm the only person to have not peed on a stick

Right? Has anyone ever gone this long without a beta or a pee stick? We are in the Colombian airport right now waiting to fly back home from our vacation which provided very good but not total 2ww distraction. Despite the fact that I was neither raped nor killed by rebels on the 2 hr trip from Cartagena to Barranquilla, today is a shitty day with a lot of crying and negative attitude on my part. Yeah I know I've had the mystical brown spotting but I just can't imagine this working. I just don't feel that blessed. I just think all of these symptoms are an evil trick from god.

Oh. And god? Just so you know.... If I bfn, I have fantasies of dressing up like mara jade/alice (resident evil) and arming my ammunition belt with grenades and kitchen knives and hunting you down. Begging you for a few wins hasnt been working since about 1990 so I'm changing my strategy to threats. If you keep letting embyros die in my womb, you really leave me no choice.

I'm a bitter hormone soaked irrational bitch.

7dp3dt (later)

Update... I had a second episode of noticing brown discharge AND for a couple of hours this morning I was having a major aversion to smells. I THINK it was real and not imagined. I've been slightly nauseous on and off today.

HMMMMMMM.......!!!!!!!!

7dp5dt! Tingliness and more!

So, yesterday (6dp5dt) was crazy. I woke up with a tingling sensation all over my body that just never went away. It was mostly in my face, lips, hands and feet. I just woke up and still feel it in my face. I also noticed a spot of light brown, maybe a tad larger than an eraserhead, in my bathing suit.

WOAH!

I showed DH just to make sure I wasn't suddenly colorblind and because I had explained to him only an hour earlier about implantation spotting he was instantly cautiously excited.

Should I be excited? I don't know... Hope takes so much courage. Its frightening!

The wedding we came to Cartagena for was last night and it was SO fun. Seriously these people know how to party. I haven't had so much fun sober on a dance floor since I was in high school.

One of the highlights of the evening, however was the PIO shot. We borrowed the room key of a friend staying in the hotel where the wedding was held to "do the deed". Did you know that blow dryers make great substitutes for heating pads????

America Could Use More Donkeys.

So... unless the plane radiation was detrimental to the blastobabies, I think this trip was a great idea. I'm actually NOT obsessing on every symptom... I mean, there's still a little obsession but not as much.

The only bad thing is that I feel like a cow from all the IVF meds and I need to go and lay out in a bikini and look hot at a wedding tonight... le sigh!

4dp5dt - Imaginary Symptoms

Todays surely imaginary symptoms include:
*metal mouth
*excess salivation
*continued occasional weird twinges in the abdominal area. somewhat localized to 2 key spots.

Of course since the blastobabies are supposedly still implanting today, there's not really going to be any HCG in my system so I don't know WHERE these symptoms would be coming from! Is it the PIO? Or just my general insanity?

Insanity seems more likely.

On the positive side I didn't have my daily crying spell yet!

I'm going to Cartagena Colombia tomorrow for 5 days so my posts my be slow in coming. If I haven't already killed the blastobabies with the heating pad I've been sitting on for two days in an attempt to reduce the lumps on my ass, then the airplane radiation probably won't kill them either.

Good Things.

I'm going to list 20 good things because I should.

1. I raised my cat Diva from when she was 2 weeks old. She loves me. A LOT. She cuddles up on my lap and I hope the blastobabies can feel her love.

2. My husband is awesome and my IF (which he knew about when we were 17 and 19) has never scared him.

3. My vintage brownstone apartment is pretty bad ass, even if it will be too small for the twins.

4. One of my good friends overcame the most wicked ovarian cancer. Thank God.

5. I learned to do a back walkover at 30

6. I feel loved.

7. No Pudge fat free brownies are a good thing because you can make single microwave servings.

8. Sushi is awesome.

9. I got to be a dancer and performer in NYC for 2 years.

10. Summers in upstate NY

11. People watching and sopping up the energy in Union Square is my most favorite thing outside of

12. DANCE!

13. Our egg donor has made a lot of dreams come true.

14. My brother and mom are healthy

15. The black cat, Baby, likes me more and more as the years go by

16. Both cats sleep in a pile with us every night.

17. I like our full size bed because it creates more snuggling

18. I can drive stick

19. I like riding ATVs

20. There's always a little little little bit of hope.

3dp5dt

i have this intense urge to cry like all the time.

i had another good, full cry at about the same time i cried yesterday.

is it the drugs?

or have i finally slipped into total insanity?

2dp5dt

i'm crying uncontrollably and i can't stop. i'm scared, tired, hopeful, hopeless, broken and nearly broke. i have no friends in this fucking hippie town and no one to hug me other than my dear husband who is busy at work.

i fucking hate this.

i fucking hate my clinic for letting my other blasts die in the petri.

i fucking hate my body and the northeast PA hospital that took my ovary. i fucking hate my genetics that robbed me of happiness.

i fucking hate the adhesions that keep threatening to take my life.

DH just happened to instant message me with a " :) " to which i replied " :( ". i told him i was cracking up so he called and was sweet. i told him the clinic killed our blasts and he's just as upset as i am. they said they'd call and they didn't.

anyway... maybe i'll go shopping. i made a lot of money on ebay last night so i guess i could go spend it.