Tuesday, February 26, 2008


i'm crying uncontrollably and i can't stop. i'm scared, tired, hopeful, hopeless, broken and nearly broke. i have no friends in this fucking hippie town and no one to hug me other than my dear husband who is busy at work.

i fucking hate this.

i fucking hate my clinic for letting my other blasts die in the petri.

i fucking hate my body and the northeast PA hospital that took my ovary. i fucking hate my genetics that robbed me of happiness.

i fucking hate the adhesions that keep threatening to take my life.

DH just happened to instant message me with a " :) " to which i replied " :( ". i told him i was cracking up so he called and was sweet. i told him the clinic killed our blasts and he's just as upset as i am. they said they'd call and they didn't.

anyway... maybe i'll go shopping. i made a lot of money on ebay last night so i guess i could go spend it.


Smiling said...

Oh.. I wish there was something to say, you are in my thoughts. I get pretty pissed off too sometimes - I just wish I could express it more.

Smiling said...

Oh and if I was still living in Boston, I would gladly give you a hug.

I found that town really great when I was happy, but also really hard when I needed support --- everyone was so busy. I once asked someone to do coffee there, they said "yes - how about mid-February (it was only November!). Its not just you.. it can be a tough place!

Alexxx Dunny said...

Thank you for this blog. It's so inspiring! I'm so happy for you! We should always fight for our dreams and goals no matter what. I also can't carry a baby by myself. I was born without an uterus. There is no chance for me to get pregnant and feel my baby pushing into my stomach. Still I'm grateful there are places and people who can help us with our problem. At the same time this is really hard to find good agency or clinic. There are so many scammers, who want to become rich, using poor people like us. There are even women, who pretend they want to be surrogates and then they get money and dissapear. Unfortunately our family faced such woman. Three years ago my dh and I decided to find sm by ourselves. We thought the procedure will be cheaper in this way. We met with her and discussed everything. She seemed so kind and lovely person. After our first payment she was gone. She didn't answer our phone calls or mails. It was so hard to get back to search of another place to go. I was seeing deception and a dirty tricks everywhere. After our experience we decided not to contact agencies and especially search sm by ourselves. We were looking for reliable clinic with professional doctors and high rate of successful treatments. We decided to concentrate mostly on Europe. As India was closed, we were choosing between Russia and Ukraine. Ultimately we chose Ukrainian clinic biotexcom. Reviews were mostly positive and this clinic has high success rates. Though we had some doubts about their medicine, we decided to go there and check everything. Our concerns faded away when we talk to our doctor and program coordinator. We saw fashionable design of the clinic and modern equipment. And the most important we saw so many couples there! People all over the world came to this clinic for surrogacy and de ivf programs. We have no regrets! We are so lucky we went straight to this clinic. Our daughter Kristine was born in May last year. We celebrated her first birthday 2 weeks ago. Dear, I wish you and your wonderful family all the best!