Thursday, February 28, 2008

4dp5dt - Imaginary Symptoms

Todays surely imaginary symptoms include:
*metal mouth
*excess salivation
*continued occasional weird twinges in the abdominal area. somewhat localized to 2 key spots.

Of course since the blastobabies are supposedly still implanting today, there's not really going to be any HCG in my system so I don't know WHERE these symptoms would be coming from! Is it the PIO? Or just my general insanity?

Insanity seems more likely.

On the positive side I didn't have my daily crying spell yet!

I'm going to Cartagena Colombia tomorrow for 5 days so my posts my be slow in coming. If I haven't already killed the blastobabies with the heating pad I've been sitting on for two days in an attempt to reduce the lumps on my ass, then the airplane radiation probably won't kill them either.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Good Things.

I'm going to list 20 good things because I should.

1. I raised my cat Diva from when she was 2 weeks old. She loves me. A LOT. She cuddles up on my lap and I hope the blastobabies can feel her love.

2. My husband is awesome and my IF (which he knew about when we were 17 and 19) has never scared him.

3. My vintage brownstone apartment is pretty bad ass, even if it will be too small for the twins.

4. One of my good friends overcame the most wicked ovarian cancer. Thank God.

5. I learned to do a back walkover at 30

6. I feel loved.

7. No Pudge fat free brownies are a good thing because you can make single microwave servings.

8. Sushi is awesome.

9. I got to be a dancer and performer in NYC for 2 years.

10. Summers in upstate NY

11. People watching and sopping up the energy in Union Square is my most favorite thing outside of

12. DANCE!

13. Our egg donor has made a lot of dreams come true.

14. My brother and mom are healthy

15. The black cat, Baby, likes me more and more as the years go by

16. Both cats sleep in a pile with us every night.

17. I like our full size bed because it creates more snuggling

18. I can drive stick

19. I like riding ATVs

20. There's always a little little little bit of hope.


i have this intense urge to cry like all the time.

i had another good, full cry at about the same time i cried yesterday.

is it the drugs?

or have i finally slipped into total insanity?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


i'm crying uncontrollably and i can't stop. i'm scared, tired, hopeful, hopeless, broken and nearly broke. i have no friends in this fucking hippie town and no one to hug me other than my dear husband who is busy at work.

i fucking hate this.

i fucking hate my clinic for letting my other blasts die in the petri.

i fucking hate my body and the northeast PA hospital that took my ovary. i fucking hate my genetics that robbed me of happiness.

i fucking hate the adhesions that keep threatening to take my life.

DH just happened to instant message me with a " :) " to which i replied " :( ". i told him i was cracking up so he called and was sweet. i told him the clinic killed our blasts and he's just as upset as i am. they said they'd call and they didn't.

anyway... maybe i'll go shopping. i made a lot of money on ebay last night so i guess i could go spend it.