7dp3dt (later)

Update... I had a second episode of noticing brown discharge AND for a couple of hours this morning I was having a major aversion to smells. I THINK it was real and not imagined. I've been slightly nauseous on and off today.

HMMMMMMM.......!!!!!!!!

7dp5dt! Tingliness and more!

So, yesterday (6dp5dt) was crazy. I woke up with a tingling sensation all over my body that just never went away. It was mostly in my face, lips, hands and feet. I just woke up and still feel it in my face. I also noticed a spot of light brown, maybe a tad larger than an eraserhead, in my bathing suit.

WOAH!

I showed DH just to make sure I wasn't suddenly colorblind and because I had explained to him only an hour earlier about implantation spotting he was instantly cautiously excited.

Should I be excited? I don't know... Hope takes so much courage. Its frightening!

The wedding we came to Cartagena for was last night and it was SO fun. Seriously these people know how to party. I haven't had so much fun sober on a dance floor since I was in high school.

One of the highlights of the evening, however was the PIO shot. We borrowed the room key of a friend staying in the hotel where the wedding was held to "do the deed". Did you know that blow dryers make great substitutes for heating pads????

America Could Use More Donkeys.

So... unless the plane radiation was detrimental to the blastobabies, I think this trip was a great idea. I'm actually NOT obsessing on every symptom... I mean, there's still a little obsession but not as much.

The only bad thing is that I feel like a cow from all the IVF meds and I need to go and lay out in a bikini and look hot at a wedding tonight... le sigh!

4dp5dt - Imaginary Symptoms

Todays surely imaginary symptoms include:
*metal mouth
*excess salivation
*continued occasional weird twinges in the abdominal area. somewhat localized to 2 key spots.

Of course since the blastobabies are supposedly still implanting today, there's not really going to be any HCG in my system so I don't know WHERE these symptoms would be coming from! Is it the PIO? Or just my general insanity?

Insanity seems more likely.

On the positive side I didn't have my daily crying spell yet!

I'm going to Cartagena Colombia tomorrow for 5 days so my posts my be slow in coming. If I haven't already killed the blastobabies with the heating pad I've been sitting on for two days in an attempt to reduce the lumps on my ass, then the airplane radiation probably won't kill them either.

Good Things.

I'm going to list 20 good things because I should.

1. I raised my cat Diva from when she was 2 weeks old. She loves me. A LOT. She cuddles up on my lap and I hope the blastobabies can feel her love.

2. My husband is awesome and my IF (which he knew about when we were 17 and 19) has never scared him.

3. My vintage brownstone apartment is pretty bad ass, even if it will be too small for the twins.

4. One of my good friends overcame the most wicked ovarian cancer. Thank God.

5. I learned to do a back walkover at 30

6. I feel loved.

7. No Pudge fat free brownies are a good thing because you can make single microwave servings.

8. Sushi is awesome.

9. I got to be a dancer and performer in NYC for 2 years.

10. Summers in upstate NY

11. People watching and sopping up the energy in Union Square is my most favorite thing outside of

12. DANCE!

13. Our egg donor has made a lot of dreams come true.

14. My brother and mom are healthy

15. The black cat, Baby, likes me more and more as the years go by

16. Both cats sleep in a pile with us every night.

17. I like our full size bed because it creates more snuggling

18. I can drive stick

19. I like riding ATVs

20. There's always a little little little bit of hope.

3dp5dt

i have this intense urge to cry like all the time.

i had another good, full cry at about the same time i cried yesterday.

is it the drugs?

or have i finally slipped into total insanity?

2dp5dt

i'm crying uncontrollably and i can't stop. i'm scared, tired, hopeful, hopeless, broken and nearly broke. i have no friends in this fucking hippie town and no one to hug me other than my dear husband who is busy at work.

i fucking hate this.

i fucking hate my clinic for letting my other blasts die in the petri.

i fucking hate my body and the northeast PA hospital that took my ovary. i fucking hate my genetics that robbed me of happiness.

i fucking hate the adhesions that keep threatening to take my life.

DH just happened to instant message me with a " :) " to which i replied " :( ". i told him i was cracking up so he called and was sweet. i told him the clinic killed our blasts and he's just as upset as i am. they said they'd call and they didn't.

anyway... maybe i'll go shopping. i made a lot of money on ebay last night so i guess i could go spend it.